Literary JOW #1327

 As many of you know, I write books as an expression of my artistic sensibility.  I was once asked, ‘I can't understand why you took a year to write a novel when you can buy one for a few bucks.’  Well, because it is fun.  I just published my latest book, Jac and the Princess, an easy reading novel set in a medieval fantasy world about a handsome young guardsman who has to rescue the Princess.   There is adventure, romance, and some humor.  I do not write literature; I write stories people enjoy reading.  The book is available now on Amazon in hardback, softback, or for Kindle.  Just go to the Amazon web page and type in either ‘Jac and the Princess’ or ‘Thos. Pinney’ and it will take you to the right spot.  You can also get books directly from me.  If you do that I will even sign it for you.  For that reason, my jokes this week are about books and authors. 

 

How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?

That’s not important, let me tell you about my new book!

 

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

 

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. One writer to ask if it ‘really’ needs to be changed.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb

 

Some book quotes:

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- P.J. O’Rourke
If good books did good, the world would have been converted long ago.
- George Moore

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.  - Woody Allen
One trouble with developing speed-reading skills is that by the time you realize a book is boring you've already finished it.  - Franklin P. Jones

There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.
- Joseph Brodsky

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.  - Gilbert K. Chesterton

Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers. - Harry S Truman
Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. - George Bernard Shaw

One advantage reading books has over TV is you can’t read books and do housework at the same time. - Melanie White

‘I read part of the book all the way through.’ Samuel Goldwyn

 ‘I just received the copy of the book you sent me.  I shall waste no time reading it.’   Winston Churchill

And finally

‘From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter – someday I intend reading it.’ Groucho Marx

 

If nations wrote a book about Elephants:

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Chinese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

A man walks into a book shop and says, ‘Can I have one of Shakespeare’s works?’

‘Of course, sir,’ says the salesman. ‘Which one?’

The man replies, ‘William.’

 

A writer sent his manuscript to a publisher with a note saying, ‘None of the characters in this story bear any resemblance to any person living or dead.’

The publisher sent back the book with a note saying, ‘That’s what’s wrong with it.’

 

Writer to critic, ‘So what’s your opinion of my book?’

Critic, ‘It’s worthless.’

Writer, ‘I know, but I’d like to hear it anyway.’

 

The English literature students thought reading Melville's Billy Budd would be an easy task because the novel is only 90 pages long. One boy, however, complained that the text was heavy and hard to comprehend.
"Hey," another student suggested, "maybe you should try reading Budd Light."

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl!" 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. 

 

And finally:
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

Advanced English JOW #902

I have an English words theme this week.  (I should have made it on frustration, after trying to put on my shoes and socks in the presence of an adorable puppy who thinks foot gear make the best play toys ever.  Watch for the posted video.

English has more words than any other language, though no one is quite sure how many words it has.  Do you count tenses as different words? What about gerunds? And to plurals make a new word?  Then there are the problems with words that are spelled the same but have different meanings. 

Here are a few (I hope) humorous examples:

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so fall that it had to refuse more refuse.

He could lead if he could get the lead out.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

They were too close to the doors to close it.

A buck does funny things when the does are in season.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

I had to subject the subject to more tests.

            English can be challenging.

Remember, there is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and neither apples nor pine in a pineapple.  Guinea pigs are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs. 

And why don’t grocers, groce?  Or hammers ham? 

Plurals in English can drive you crazy, too.

One mouse – two mice.  One goose – two geese. So one moose – two meese?

One chair – two chairs.  One hair – so is a head of hair one really big one?

I can make amends but not one amend. 

Tenses can make me tense. 

For example, if teachers taught why don’t preachers 'prought'?

Why do we ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Why do our noses run and feet smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing while a wise guy and a wise man are opposites?  Why are the stars out when they are visible but when the lights are out it is dark?

How does your house burn up as it is burning down?  Why do you fill out a form by filling it in? And alarms go off when they go on.

And as for pronunciation, here is part of an old poem.  Try and speak it aloud if you dare.

Be careful how you speak

Say bread and stake and bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low;

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, and aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war, and far.

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Blood and flood are not like food.

Try viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

Your pronunciation is okay,

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve.

Clamor and enamor both rhyme with hammer.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger.

Neither does devour with clangor.

It’s all very confusing.

Mary Ellen sent us some old words that I think should make a comeback:

Fudgel – Pretending to work while actually doing nothing

Groke – Someone who stares at you while you eat, hoping you’ll share

Shivviness - The uncomfortable feeling of wearing new underwear

Peg Puff – A young woman with the manners of an old one

Dysania – Extreme difficulty getting out of bed in the morning

Perendinate – To put off until the day after tomorrow.

Kikistocracy – Government by the least qualified or worse people

Uhtceare – Lying awake and worrying about the day ahead.

Abligurition – Spending lavish amounts of money on food

Slugabed – A person who stays in bed after the proper time to get up. (My mom used this one.)

Grufeling – to lie wrapped up and in a comfortable manner

Philogrobilized – Having a hangover but without admitting to drinking

Grumbletonians – People who are angry or unhappy with the government

Smollygoster – A shrewd, unprincipled person, especially a politician

Twattling – Gossiping idly about unimportant things.

Ultracrepidarian – Someone who gives opinions on subjects they know nothing about.

Callipygian – Having beautiful, well-shaped buttocks

Frobly-mobly   - Neither well nor unwell

Cacoethes – Irresistible urge to do something inadvisable

And here is an actual joke – sort of:

Freddy Fish and Sam Clam were the best of friends, and did everything together. One day, though, both perished in a freak mishap. Freddy Fish went to heaven, and immediately looked around for his best friend. Not finding him, he asked St. Peter where Sam was.

"Sorry, he didn't make it in."

"You mean he's down there?" asked Freddy.

"Yes."

"Well, I want to go see him!"

"This is highly unorthodox," said St. Peter. "I'll ask the big guy."

Moments later St. Peter returned and said:

"You can go, but you can only stay for one hour."

"Great!" said Freddy, and grabbed his harp before anyone changed their minds. He went to the elevator, and went down.

When the elevator doors opened, Freddy saw a huge sign:

SAM'S DISCOTHEQUE

He went in, and discovered that it was run by his old friend. They sat down and reminisced about old times, and had a few drinks. Time flew by, and when Freddy noticed his watch, he saw that he had fifteen seconds left to return. He jumped out of his chair, yelled a goodbye to Sam Clam, and raced to the elevator.

The elevator doors opened in heaven with only one second to spare. St. Peter was standing there with a stopwatch.

"You just barely made it," said St. Peter.

"I know," panted Freddy, out of breath. "But I have to go back there!"

"What do you mean!?!" asked an incredulous St. Peter.

So Freddy Fish burst into song:

"I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"

Finally, just as I was going to press:

Elon Musk is going to launch his personal car into an orbit around the sun with great fanfare.

My wife sniffed – “I already have a car that is in orbit around the sun.” 

Horsing Around JOW #1326

 The Kentucky Derby was held last Saturday.  Did you watch the Kentucky Derby? Yay or neigh?  That event got me thinking about horse racing and horses in general, so my jokes this week are about our equine friends. 

 

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

 

What do you call a horse with the horn? A unicorn.

What do you call a horse without the horn? A eunuchorn.

I think ‘Horseback Riding’ should just be called ‘Horse Riding' because where else would you sit?

 

If horse racing is the "sport of kings” is drag racing the sport of queens?

 

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin

And giraffes were born

 

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

 

To ride a horse or not to ride a horse...

That is equestrian.

 

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days, they'll ask for your feed back.

 

My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries.

I said, “You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.”

Have you heard the sad story about the runaway racehorse? It’s a terrible tale of WHOA!

 

Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday? One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.

 

I bet on a horse to come in 25 to 1, and it did! The only problem is that all the other horses finished at 12:30.

 

I bet on a horse with excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting gate, he paused to close it behind him.

 

Q: You're riding on a horse at high-speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer drop-off. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

 

A horse walks into a bar…

The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.
"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, ha-ha!' I hear that everywhere I go."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your life?"
The horse responds with, "Stable."

 

A horse walked into a bar.

The bartender looked at the horse and said: "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
Later, a bear walked into the bar and said: "I'll have a ... beer." The bartender looked at the bear and asked: "Why the big pause?"
Soon, three anteaters came in and requested a bowl of ants to share. The bartender looked at the anteaters and said: "I'm going to stop doing LSD before work."

 

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.
I also considered putting money on the derby.

 

Billy: "How do you like your new mare?"

Jack: "It’s weird.  She gallops only at night. She just snoozes in the daytime."

Bill: "She sounds like a night mare."

 

Why did the owner name his racehorse ‘Bad News’? Because bad news travels fast

 

Racehorses famously have odd names.  Not all are approved.  Here are some

horse names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot
Chocolate Starfish
Choke the Chicken
Harry Azzol
Hugh Gass Kisser
Hugh Janus
Ima Hoare
Ima Goodlay
Ivanna Tinkle
Major B Oner
Willie Be Hardigan
Jack Schitt
Anita Bath
Anna Reksik
Annie Position
Annie Rection
Ben Derhover
Passing Wind
Hoof Hearted
Geespot
Sofa King Fast
Cockney Wanker
Cupid Stunt
Dick Cumoff
Dick Fizintite
Dick Hertz
Harry Balzitch
Hucking Fell
Pee Ness

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

 

Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his dad.

He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes Little Johnny asks, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father says, "I have to make sure that she's healthy and in good shape before I buy her."
And Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom."

 

And finally, the typical off-topic joke to end this:

At the end of the tax year, the Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the executive. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. “Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the executive. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”