Inaugural JOW #439

The Big Inauguration has been the main news for a few days now. I thought it was time to poke a bit of fun at Washingtonians. Barack is hard to make fun of; in fact with Bush & Clinton out of office and OJ in jail, late night comics are going to be starved for subject matter. Jay picked a bad time to expand his time on the tube.

First, an old line from Bob Hope

"It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets."

Why did Obama cross the road?
So the Washington press corps could fawn over his road-crossing ability.

How did a GS-1 shut down the federal government?
He went into a crowded cafeteria and shouted "Snowflake!"

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Four United States Presidents got caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of Oz. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard...
"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"No Problem," said the Wizard. "Who's next?"
George H W Bush stepped forward, and said: "Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped Bush and said: "The American people say that I need a brain."
"No problem," said the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"
Bill looks around and in a quiet voice asks, "Is Dorothy Here?"

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You Know You're in D.C. When...
• People just call the city "DC"
• The government closes schools because there is a 40% CHANCE of snow (That is if they aren't already closed to fix the roofs)
• Everyone calls the 10 inches of snow in 1996 "THE GREAT BLIZZARD"
• All the people on the city board know each other from their time in prison together
• Drivers pick up perfect strangers at bus stops so that they can drive in the HOV during rush hour.
• You spend 2 hours to find a parking space and it's for "One Hour Only"
• The road you are on is suddenly interrupted by a building.
• People give directions by how long it will take to get to the destination at different times of the day.
• The weather man declares the weather is suddenly a cool 89 degrees with only 90% humidity and you are happy.
• Diplomat plates bring on anxiety attacks.
• The weatherman calls for 2 inches of snow and you have to rush to the grocery store to buy diapers, milk, bread, and toilet paper...and you don't even have a baby.
• You watch the World/National News to find out what to do this weekend.
• You dream of moving to the suburbs only to look out the window of your $300,000 house directly into your neighbor's window 4 feet away.
• Nobody you know actually makes anything.
• Most of your friends want to become "independent consultants" (or already are)
• All of your friends are either:
o Lawyers
o Techies
o Work for some gov't organization with a short abbreviation(i.e. IRS,DOD,DOE, FAA, EPA....you get the idea)
o Work "for the Pentagon" or "on the Hill" or for "the White House" (i.e. they work for a location, but not for anyone)
• People talk in acronyms and they actually understand each other.
• You can spend every weekend going to free things, with all the billion other people who had the same idea.
• You stop someone on the street to ask for directions, and 75% of the time they say "Oh sorry, I'm just visiting".

And finally, one of a series from Don

A man and a woman were sound asleep in their bed. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Sh*t. That must be my husband!'
The man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He mashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'