I have a mixed bag of jokes this week. An Italian joke, a few Jewish/Buddhist bits of wisdom, and IT humor from Susan.

Mike offered this
The Italian Grandmother … or Jewish … depending on your accent
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow you pusha button 301.
I will Buzza you in. Come inside. … The elevator is on the right.
Get ina the elevator and with you elbow you pusha 3.
When you get out, I'ma on the left.
With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
“What . . . . . . . . You coming empty handed ?”

From Ruth – sayings from the Jewish Buddha

• Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

• Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a nice Danish.

• Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

• Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

• There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

• Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

• The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

• Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

• Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

• Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.

• Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

• Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

• The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, “there is no self”. So ... maybe we're off the hook?

• If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Finally, Susan provided us with insights into IT.
Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...