Republic of Texas JOW

Our esteemed Governor Rick Perry has hinted that perhaps Texas should secede from the Union. Right. Like that worked so well in 1861. His comments have absolutely nothing to do with trailing in polls for the current race for governor. When asked that since it was the only independent country to join the union, Texas has the right to secede from the United States, the State Attorney General responded, “What, are you nuts! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! Are you drunk? Of course not, you idiot!”
Oops, I have exceeded my sarcasm allowance by a wide margin. Should I call that a ‘sarchasm’?
Of course, Jay Leno was all over Rick’s hints about Texas withdrawing from the Union.

• We have a new border czar. His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas.”
• “Rick Perry? Didn’t he used to be the lead singer of Journey?”
• And my favorite: “If Texas did secede from the union, then we could invade it for the oil.”

Then there are suggestions for a new ‘national motto’ of the New Republic of Texas
"Texas is for wackos."
"Get off our land!"
"Sunny beaches, rolling hills, armed nut jobs."
"Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired."
"Indulge your delusions of grandeur."
...and the number one new tourism slogan for the Republic of Texas:
"It really *is* a whole 'nother country!"

Or as the old joke has it─
The best thing about Texas is that it is the only state which can legally secede from the union.
The worst thing about Texas is that it hasn't.

Texas has more than its fair share of colorful politicians. Actually I think it has a plurality. The old Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis was colorful enough all by himself to fill the quota for most states.

ACTUAL TEXAS POLITICIAN QUOTES
1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.
2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.
3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.
5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
C. Greene.
6. "No thanks, once was enough."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.
7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish.
8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.
9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.
10. "I am filled with humidity."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies.
12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen"
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing.
14. "This is a real competitive business."
A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.
15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.
16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
20. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
Anon.

When I lived in New Mexico we always hated it when Texan came over to ski in ‘our’ mountains. They were all so loud and solvent. We said things like:
Poor New Mexico─ so far from heaven, so close to Texas
&
If God had wanted Texans to ski....
He would have given them a mountain.
or
He would have made BS white.

To which the Texans would reply
If God had wanted New Mexicans to ski, He would have given them money.
If God had not wanted Texans to ski, He wouldn't have given them New Mexico and Colorado.

• Texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth.
• Texas women are so beautiful because if a girl is not pretty by the time she is 12 they ship her off to Oklahoma.
• Of course, some Texans claim that Oklahoma is nothing more than an outlying province of Texas.
• To which Oklahomans reply that it is impossible to out lie a Texan.

You might be from Texas if:
- You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway. (if you don’t know, email me and I will explain they are only available on male calves.)
- When someone refers to the current season, you have no idea if they mean spring, summer, fall, winter or football.
- "Howdy" seems to be a normal way of greeting another adult, with no irony intended.
- You have used the phrase "fixin' to" during the last 12 months.
- Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
- You save all your life for your dream vacation, and use it to go to the OU/Texas game.
- A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel

Finally, an actual Texas joke; it is better if you try to do the accent.

A Texas farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way."WHY DO
YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer replies, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."