Swine Flu JOW

I have had some pretty off beat and unexpected subjects for my JOWs─ economics, quantum physics, math, and elderly citizens. We haven’t had much humor about the swine flu. I guess it was not severe enough to live up to the media hype. There were some real possibilities there, though: Pigdemia, Aporkalypse, Hamocaust and Snoutbreak. Did we get any of those? Nope. Well at any rate here are all I could come up with for jokes about a deadly epidemic


They said that pigs would fly before the US elected a black man as president
They were wrong.
It was over 100 days before
Swine flu.

Possible symptoms of Swine Flu
Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day
You develop a liking for truffles
At each meal you literally lick your plate clean
Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon

Here are some words of wisdom about avoiding getting the swine flu.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take another approach. Think about it, when you go to the doctor’s office for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up the flu germs can’t get you, and if it does, you won’t mind so much.

A contribution from Susan

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

And finally, a joke from Mike
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."