Downhill JOW

Ken and Donna provided me with these funny and uplifting jokes. Then we go down hill with one from Mary Ellen. I probably should have quit when I was ahead.
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes four ushers to collect all the money!'
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

I can relate to this one.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'

Mary Ellen is to blame for this joke.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
0ne day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a machine that John claimed was actually a flawless lie detector that could recognize when anyone told a lie.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
“Bzzzz” went the lie detector.
'Son,' said John, This is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
“Bzzzz” when the lie detector.
With his lip quivering, Tommy said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
“BZZZZ.”
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! Well, you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
“BZZZZZZZ!”

Finally, this email warning came from a blonde friend who shall remain anonymous.

Subject: Tick Warning:

This could really save you!!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple of times ... But this one is real, and it's important so please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:
If people come to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it!! It is a scam!!
They only want to see you naked ... I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.