Axiomatic JOW

I am trying to wean myself from the tyranny of Microsoft by shifting to OpenOffice. It is a pretty good program, but I do not have all of its features quite down yet, so that will be my excuse for any errors you might notice in the new few (dozen) JOWs.
Mary Ellen offered a couple of submissions this week including this one.

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry.
It's not thunder.
It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.

But it was Bil who provided the best offerings with these:

Axioms for Today

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
She was lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Julyflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture..
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it..
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

And finally, Bil's favorite modern Axiom:
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

WAYS YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY IS BAD. . .
You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

HotWheels and Matchbox car companies are trading higher than GM in the stock market.

Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

McDonald's is selling the “1/4 ouncer”.

The most highly-paid job is jury duty.

Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Three quick jokes.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, Where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married..... Did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure.... What was her maiden name?'

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
Long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says...... and hangs up.