Return of the JOW

We are back from our nice relaxing vacation. We spent lots of time napping and reading. We hardly even heard about all the details of Michael Jackson’s death. There are lots of juicy jokes going around about the “Gloved One” but most, though very funny are utterly tasteless, which, I suppose is why they are so funny.
As to our vacation activities, it was very low key. I even tried to do some fishing. That is why this old joke is so topical.
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

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For the intellectuals among us.

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
• For bird flu you need tweetment
• For swine flu you need oinkment.

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Okay, here is another leftover alligator joke

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He also had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, just to look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.

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Rules of Houston , H-Town, Bayou City , The Dirty 3rd, or whatever you call it.

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun,"not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not" San Phil-eep" (San Felipe).
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston . We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a " Scenic Drive ."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the
light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
(okay, it’s Kirk In Doll)
8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "God, I hate Baytown !" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City !"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph.
13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
(See, officer, I was QUALIFYING!!!)
17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
19. If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.
20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
21. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify
Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
23. Else-where, they are called frontage roads. Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use
the flyover."

If you don't live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to all of us who call this home... nothing but the truth and you know it!!!

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And from Martha for you mega nerds:

At 5 minutes and 6 seconds after 4 a.m., on the 8th of July, this year, the time and date will be: 04:05:06 07-08-09
This will not happen again until the year3009!!!