Shaggy Old JOW

I have some old jokes this week. Are there any other kind? First, some advice about longevity: The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Martha provided these tidbits for/about senior citizens.
Cremation - Think outside the box
I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
When I was younger all I wanted was a nice BMW. Now don't care about the W.
I was taught to respect my elders. Now there is no one left to respect.
Food has replaced sex in my life and I can't even get into my own pants.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I am so old that:
I don't buy green bananas.
When I eat out the waiter wants me to pay for the meal in advance.
The snap crackle and pop in the morning isn't my Rice Krispies
I only buy the large type version of Alphabet soup.

Words to drink by:

In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Thus it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Here is a shaggy dog joke

A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."


Ever wonder where shaggy dog jokes come from?

A man answered his door to find a boy with a dog on a leash, who asked him,
“Are you the man who put in the ad about a lost dog?"
"Yes I did," the man replied.
Medium size?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“Light brown?”
“Yes.”
“Slight limp?”
“Yes.”
“Answers to Rex?”
“Yes.”
“Shaggy coat?”
The man peers at the dog and says, “Not that shaggy.”