Golf JOW

Lots of people like golf. I do not understand this as golf is a frustrating, expensive and time-consuming waste of time. Maybe if I played it a bit better I wouldn’t hate it so. However, it does offer more than the usual level of humor. Try looking up jokes about football, for example. Football fan jokes, yes, there are plenty, but not much about playing that game.
My jokes this week are all about the old game, one of the oldest pastimes known. Since the idea of enjoying golf is somewhat alien to me know, I will start with an alien/golf joke.

An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in amazement. First the golfer duffed his tee shot, then he shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
The aliens decided that he must be doing some sort of weird ritual as they continued to observe the poor fellow.
The golfer skulled his next shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.
At this point, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble, he’ll never get it out of that hole!"

Cousin Bil offered up these touching quotes on the subject of golf. He says they are old, but I have never heard of most of them.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is – he who as the fastest cart never has to play a bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one
played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the
best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls when I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino
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Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn't in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.
Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, ""Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?"
"Yes," Chuck replied, "yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?"
"Did you happen to hook your tee shot?" the policeman asked.
"Yes, I did," replied Chuck.
"Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?" the policeman asked.
"Why, yes, it did," said Chuck. "Why are you asking me these questions?"
The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: "Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. That driver's car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck that was racing to a fire smashed into the pileup!"
The policeman's voice was rising with consternation. "The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!"
The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. "What do you think you should do about all this?" he finally asked Chuck.
Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.
"Well, I think I'll try opening my stance a little."


In 1923, do you know who was:
* President of the largest steel company?
* President of the largest gas company?
* The greatest wheat speculator?
* President of the Bank of International Settlement?
* The Great Bear of Wall Street?
* President of the New York Stock Exchange?
* The winner of the US Open Golf Tournament?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 80 years later, do you know what became of these men?
* Charles Schwab, president of the largest steel company, died a pauper.
* Edward Hopson, president of the largest gas company, went insane.
* Arthur Cooger, the greatest wheat speculator, died abroad, penniless.
* Cosabee Livermore, president of the BIS, shot himself
* The Great Bear of Wall Street, committed suicide
* Richard Whitney, NYSE president released from prison to die at home
* Gene Sarazen, on the other hand, played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95, and was financially solvent at his death.
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing more golf!