With airlines on my mind, I thought I would run by a few old airplane jokes by you all.
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
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Southwest Airlines use to have more colorful flight attendants. I don’t think you could get away with some of these famous announcements.
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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My friend Steve used to be a Flight Engineer in the Air Force. They often are not given the credit they deserve. But it is best not to mess with them:
A Weather Recon crew had two enlisted personnel; it was their duty to secure all baggage. Some of the other crew members felt that meant we were to load their bags from wherever they dropped them. One such member learned how wrong that was when the plane landed in Alaska in the dead of winter. After searching, he asked the Flight Engineer where his bags were. The FE asked him where he had placed them. "Under the wing", was the reply. The FE walked to the door, looked out and said, "Well they're not there now!"
Finally an airplane crash joke.
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra inadvertently landed on its tail rotor. The landing was so hard it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, and slid down the runway, doing 360s all the way.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange took place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
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