It is that magical time of year for men─ last night I could watch baseball, football, AND basketball, all at the same time. Adding to the excitement, a major Seniors Golf Tournament is being held here in the Woodlands this week. Famous over-50 golfers will be playing in the course in our neighborhood. Senior Tournaments are different than the ones with younger players:
• The biggest noises on the course are their bones creaking
• They use a cart just to get to the car
• They have three walking speeds: doddering, shuffling and wobbling.

I have a complicated relationship with golf. It's a hard game to figure. One day I would go out and slice the ball and shank it, hit into all the water hazards and miss every green. Then, the next day I would go out and for no reason at all really stink. I think golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. The man that invented "golf" and said that it was "fun" is the same guy that invented 'bagpipes" and said it was "music."
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An American golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland sliced his opening drive out of bounds. He tees another one up and smacks it down the middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that hitting another ball like that is called a Mulligan." He asks if there is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "Aye, we call it a three."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks,"Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes", says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes I did."
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a five."

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

I have been harsh about golf, but there are some good things about golf compared to other sports:
Unlike basketball, players don’t elbow each other in the ribs for better position.
Unlike football, players don’t tell the ref to do a physically impossible act to himself.
Unlike baseball, players don’t scratch their crotch before each swing.
Unlike tennis, players don’t grunt like Cro Magnon men with each swing.
Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t have to wear hearing protection
Unlike soccer, the fans don’t trample each other to death if their favorite team loses.
Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
Unlike hockey, the players have all their teeth
and best of all─
Unlike wrestling, the spectators have all their teeth.