Male Man JOW

This week I have chosen to pick on my own gender. That is pick on not scratch. I have some observations on males in general, and male athletes in particular. Nothing personal, guys.

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One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine? '
'It depends, ' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt? '
He yelled back, ‘LSU! '
And they say blonds are dumb....
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today, '
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ' honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this? '
'Probably that I married you for your money, ' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals '
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Bil provided me with this little known baseball fact...
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.
It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Of course Robin Williams said it best─ we enough blood to either use our brain or penis but not both at the same time.

My sister sent me these pearls of male athletic wisdom:

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all those kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Okay, so there is a bit of self depreciation there…
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He replied, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford ─ “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

Finally, here are some hints to help you ladies understand men:

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
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Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of bonding.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stop working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it . . . (though it might be possible for an engineer to get by with holding a calculator).
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . .
If you are feeling amorous afterwards . . . then I will certainly at least remember the name of the movie and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?


This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.