News and Observation JOW #493

Most of you know that my youngest boy Ivan was attacked on New Year’s Eve and badly injured. The story has recently been picked up by local media. Those of you in the greater Houston area may even see something about it on television this very evening. In the meantime here is a link to the story to bring you up to date. Of note─there are two pages of the story. The second page includes photos of Ivan after the assault. The story recommends not looking at them. Be advised they are in fact disgusting. Here is the link:

http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2010/01/baseball_player_lawsuit.php

Now to the JOW; I have a couple of jokes and some observations on life by a younger generation.
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In a recent news report, it was announced that a new method of fending off shark attacks has been developed by Marine Biology researchers. If you are ever unfortunate enough to be approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose with as much force as possible.
Should this not work, beat the shark with your stump.
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Okay, I have five kids between the ages of 25 and 30. Here are some recently collected thoughts from that generation.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

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And finally:
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered the pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. Then they phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived but as they opened the front door to leave the house, the cat scooted back into the front door.
They didn't want the cat shut in the house because it always tries to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi, while the husband went back inside to get the cat.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, the husband emerged and got into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as they drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with an umbrella to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.


The AMA and NZMA have declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's Disease research.
It is now projected that by the year 2010 there will be thirty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who are unable to remember what to do with them.