One Flu Over the JOW #492

It appears I have had the flu for the last week or so. Since I got my ‘regular’ flu vaccine, I must have contracted the famous Swine Flu. Although it was pretty annoying, I apparently had one of the lazy varieties that just make you feel crappy and tired for a week or so rather than taking the effort to really make you sick. There are a few advantages to having the flu. You have an excuse for being rude, obnoxious and surly. You can legally take sedatives. And fevers give some really weird dreams. However I must say I am glad to be seeing the end of this thing.
In honor of this disease, my JOW’s are about sickness, health, and various animals. That sorta connects, right?
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A blonde is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men have died from swine flu.
She starts to cry and asks her friend, "How many is in a brazillion?"
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Living healthy can limit your choices.
I can’t eat pork...... swine flu
I can’t eat chicken......bird flu
I can’t eat beef...... mad cow
I can’t eat eggs......salmonella
I can’t eat fish...heavy metal poisons in their water
I can’t eat fruit and veggies....insecticides and herbicides
I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream

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In order to avoid sickness they tell you to:
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C & D.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach.
Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So…… You could walk to the liquor store (exercise), put lime in your Corona (fruit), celery in the Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). If you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

From Mike:
Why Some Men have Dogs and not Wives:
• The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs like it if you spill stuff on the floor.
• Dogs understand that sometimes you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

Mary Ellen has a reply to that from the ladies




If you want someone
• who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
• who's always willing to go out with you, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
• who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
• who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores .
• who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of his attention, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Then adopt a dog

On the other hand,
if you want someone who never responds when you call,
ignores you totally when you come home,
walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness

Then adopt a cat

That Mary Ellen knows her critters.
And ask her for her Hooters Calendars. Twelve of the most beautiful owls you will ever see.