2010 JOW #491

It has been not such a good new year for us. As some of you know, our youngest, Ivan, was attacked while at a New Year’s party. His left eye was very seriously injured and he may not ever recover full sight in it. He is resting at home now, waiting for his next surgery which will be in a week. If you want to know more about it you can check on Ruth Pinney's Facebook page. So it has been a tought time here; nevertheless, the JOW must go on.

First, a couple of things to think about:
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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A D.E.A. officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and braces up old rancher who owns the place.
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there."
The D.E.A. officer verbally explodes, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Show him your badge...Show him your BADGE!"

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And old question answered
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off boats?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

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A golfer on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the tee.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to hit when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog puts his 8 iron away, and grabs a 9 iron.
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood hits the ball into perfect position.
By the end of the day, the man has shot best round of golf in his life. He looks at the frog and asks, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit black 6."
Now, this is a long shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
The ball lands on black 6. Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you you've won me all this money but I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
And that is why that woman was in the hotel room with Tiger Woods.
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And finally a related joke
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - silence - -

HUSBAND: -- silence also --