Modern Medical JOW #508

I wanted to make light of the oil spill out in the Gulf that continues to pour raw crude into the environment. There is almost nothing I could think of or find that was even slightly amusing in the situation. Eleven men died and there is no end in sight for the continuing leak. Face it; water pollution just isn’t all that funny. Leno did have a comment: "They sent specialists down there to start a controlled fire on the ocean to burn the oil off. That's how you know when things are bad, when the ocean on fire is an improvement."

The Colbert Report also had a bit on the leak. The Arab network Al Jazeera put out a balanced and insightful piece on the continuing problem. After screening part of their report, Colbert put his tongue firmly in his cheek and provided this smarmy commentary.

‘Say… Al Jazeera sure seems to know a lot about this oil leak, huh? Maybe a little too much?
Look, I'm not saying that this Qatar-based international news network is actually a front for an Middle Eastern terrorist organization. I'm just saying that, as an American, I'm a little concerned that "Al Jazeera" and "Al Quaeda" both have the same first name. Just a little too coincidental for me, ya know?’


A certain JOW recipient, let’s just call her ‘Susan’ recently turned 50. She now will start to have to learn about all the things her elders have to take to stay in one piece. There are some new drugs out there she may need to learn about.

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to eight hours.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA
Stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Now a couple of jokes to close out this JOW.
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'Cash, check or charge?' the clerk asked. She then noticed a remote control for a television set in the customer’s purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
'No,' the shopper replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him.'

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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee..'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .
'HEBREWS'