Paternal JOW

My Joke this week has a paternal aspect, in recognition of the approaching Hallmark Holiday of Father’s Day. Yes, America, it is another made up event designed to stimulate the economy by encouraging spending on items such as cards. All most fathers really want is to get some acknowledgement from their kids. However, a simple “Hi Dad” doesn’t do much for the Gross Domestic Product. So here are a few free jokes with a Fatherly Theme.
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A young man, who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property.
Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.
The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?"
The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas."
So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few cattle roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said "Those are cows, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?"
The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar-it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what one earth is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "Wood tick"...
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One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"

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I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

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One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The big sissy.


A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.

A final census joke.
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

Don from UAB was so impressed with my military jokes he provided this one.

The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.
So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program", with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance. Initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.
Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.

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And finally, a trip down memory lane ─ here are some things that were once common parts of our life and are now virtually extinct. Of course the next generation will soon be quacking about remembering Video Stores, land-line phones, and Windows 95.
But we were here first so here is the Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you actually remember not the ones you were told about.


1. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
2. Ignition switches on the dashboard. (not the new ones)
3. Real ice boxes. (With ice. Sort of home ice chests)
4. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
5. Using hand signals in cars (they were actually required in driver’s tests)
6. Blackjack chewing gum (liquorish flavored. It would stain your mouth)
7. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
8. Candy cigarettes (yes really)
9. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
10. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes (Johnny Rocket doesn’t count)
11. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
12. Party lines on the telephone (You had to remember which ring was yours)
13. Newsreels before the movie (I even remember seeing cheesy serials)
14. P.F. Flyers (or even the Converse High Tops)
15. Butch wax (Needed for flat tops. Think Dapper Dan Hair Pomade)
16. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.(Black and white with an Indian head)
17. Peashooters
18. Howdy Doody
19. 45 RPM records
20. S & H Greenstamps
21. Hi-fi's (the ones that could play 45’s and 33 1/3 vinyl records)
22. Metal ice trays with lever
23. Mimeograph paper
24. Blue flashbulb
25. Packards (I actually owned one)
26. Roller skate keys
27. Cork popguns (I still have one)
28. Drive-ins (Movies)
29. Studebakers (very cool cars)
30. Wash tub wringers
31. Ash Trays
32. Cigarette machines
33. Lever activated adding machines
34. Mechanical cash registers
35. Transistor AM Radios
36. Cars without seat belts
37. Clothes lines
38. Using clothes pins (see above) to clip cars to the spokes on your bicycle so it sounded like a motorcycle
39. “Free Kittens to Good Home”
40. Burning leaves in the fall


If you remembered fewer than 10 = You're still young
If you remembered 10-20 = You are getting older
If you remembered 20-30 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered more than that = You're older than dirt! It is surprising you can remember anything at all.