Post Memorial JOW #511

Memorial Day weekend has come and gone, but all the talk of the military reminded me of a lot of military humor. So, a typical week behind, here are some Military jokes and humorous observations.

The various services have different opinions on when to wear camouflage Battle Dress Utilities or BDU’s

MARINES: Consider BDU’s to be a work uniform, to be worn during training and in field situations.
ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.
NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms; they do not camouflage you on a ship.

I found a couple of old soldier jokes from the War Between the States

A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. Almost every night the other soldiers would tease him into falling off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always wound up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " What, and give up all that free whiskey?"

A soldier had lost his bayonet; he quickly whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection and not be punished for losing his weapon. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At the inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet.
The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it."
The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared “May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."

The Navy always makes fun of the Army, but recently they have been especially harsh about the pathetic Army football teams.

Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to the "Opposums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a West Point Cadet?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

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Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Four plays later, Army scored!

........

The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."

Which Service has the dumbest officers?
In the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expensive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a cold one.

Say what you will, the Air Force does have a lot of good words, such as:

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around the squadron discussing why a mission failed
and who was responsible.
SEAGULL COLONEL - A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and craps all over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.
CRM - Career Restricting Move - Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity..
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe troops who are suspected of planning to retire or separate from the service soon. Alternatively, any O-6 or above that gets behind the controls of an airplane.
GENERICA - Features of the Air Force landscape that are exactly the same no matter which base one is at, such as Burger King, Robin Hood, the BX, and AMC terminal. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what base we were at."
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key or clicking "ok" in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of a $200,000 inertial navigation unit to get it to work again.
AVIATION CONTINUATION PAY - The paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue
to fly until you're a senior captain at United Airlines.

Here are a few bits of military wisdom that explain a lot

• If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
• Combat pay is a flawed concept.
• Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
• There is no such thing as a small firefight.
• NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
• Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
• A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
• Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
• Everybody's a hero in the club after the fourth drink.
• The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change ready.
• Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
• The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
• If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
• C-4 (plastic explosives) can make a dull day fun. (Believe me on this!)
• Cocoa Powder (found in field rations) is neither cocoa nor powder.
• Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
• Hot garrison chow is better than hot MREs, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
• Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
• It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
• Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.



Thos. Pinney