Laws of the JOW #498

My JOW was donated in large part this week. Keith offered up some of the real Laws of Life. It all started with Murphy’s Law, of course. Then there was O’Toole’s addendum to Murphy’s Law – Murphy was and Optimist. And Obermeyer’s Corollary – Not only will things go wrong; they will go wrong at the worst possible time. Paranoids, in their conviction that “they are out to get me” understate the problem ─ the Entire Universe is out to get us all! If you have any doubts, just consider these well known Laws of Life

• Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

• Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. This probability is squared if the individual has a means of recording the event. The probability cubes if said individual likes to post recordings of stupid events on the internet.

• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone who is always annoyed always answers.

• Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

• Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.

• Law of the Theater & Baseball - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the event. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

• The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

• Gym’s Law - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

• Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

• Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

• Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

• Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

• Law of Appliance Repair – Any item which requires a repairman to visit will operate perfectly while, and only while he is there.

• Tom’s Theory of a Hostile Universe – Bad things will only happen when you are unprepared for them. Conversely, bad things seldom occur when we are ready for them.

• Tiffany’s Law of Footwear - If the shoes fit, they're ugly.

• Cole’s Law – Chopped cabbage dressed with mayonnaise

• Hunnicutt’s Dictum – If you intend to carry a gun, make sure it works

• Vandermollen’s Corollary to Hunnicutt’s Dictum – If you carry a gun, make sure you know to work it.

• Otis’ Law of Elevators – The person who has to get out of the elevator is always in the back


And finally, Al offered this true story.

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled. No kidding, this was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.

The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.


Thos. Pinney