Holy JOW

I was challenged to include some biblical humor. I wound up with some jokes that are vaguely related to religious matters.

A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At one particular house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back:
Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me."
The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastors message was another scripture passage.
It read Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself."
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Two priests died at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

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An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
"I've had a pretty good life," the $20 says. "I've been to Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, and even on a Caribbean cruise."
"You did have an exciting life!" the dollar says.
"Where have you been?" the $20 asks.
"Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans..."
"Wait," the $20 interrupts. "What's a church?"
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A woman baked a cake for a church bazaar held to raise money for the church. Upon taking it out of the oven she dropped it and the cake's center fell to the floor, ruined.
With no time to make another cake, she ingeniously set a roll of bathroom tissue in the centre and slathered icing all over.
She then sent her daughter to deliver the cake, and gave her money, with explicit instructions to present the cake for sale and then to immediately buy it back.
A great idea!
But unfortunately it didn't go to plan and the cake was purchased immediately by someone else.
The following day this woman went to play bridge. There on the hostess' table was "her" cake.
She was very worried, knowing what was inside it. Noticing her that she had been observed staring at the cake she quickly commented, "Oh my, what a beautiful cake!".
"Thank you,” the hostess replied without batting an eye, “I baked it myself."
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These comments come from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


Thos. Pinney