Auto JOW

Do you realize that if all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend... That is just the start of my automotively-themed jokes this week. Enjoy

So many people just don’t pay attention on the road these days. The other morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 75 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so badly I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
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A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her in the head.”
"Then this Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"

Here are some things you should NOT say to the policeman who has pulled you over.

• Here, hold my beer while I look for my license
• Are you the guy from the Village People?
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
• Bad cop! No doughnut!
• You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
• Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
• Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
• So, uh, you on the take or what?


A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the local cafe one morning.
'Do you realize,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'
'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'
'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'
'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'
'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive.'

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My wife has a Mercedes; nice car but it is starting to have little mechanical problems. It started going "Her-hick, her-hick, her-hick!" I had to take it to a Mercedes mechanic to find out that's German for "Ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk!" They fixed the problem: the sound is now Ka-ching! Ka-ching!
Mercedes mechanics are so rich they wear overalls with alligators on the pocket. When they hand you your repair bill they wear ski masks.

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Boudreaux was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Boudreaux forced the oncoming car to slow down shouted 'Pig out the window. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Boudreaux.
Then his car hit the pig.