Jumbo JOW

Some of my JOW readers can remember when I was, for want of a better word, skinny. Those days are long gone ─ I've really put on the pounds. Keeping weight off is like holding a beach ball underwater ─ it takes constant effort. I've gone from pinch-an-inch to rub-a-tub. I think all tend to get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
You know you need to do something about your weight when you board an airplane and the flight attendant designates your gut as carry-on luggage. I had a doctor tell me eating right doesn't have to be complicated. He said just think in colors; fill your plate with bright colors... greens, yellows, reds, etc.
So I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&Ms while writing up this JOW.

An overweight blonde went to her doctor. He advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor`s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky extra pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "Now that I am 300 miles away, how do I get home?"

Here is a non-fat joke from Martha:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

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The news about being fat is not all bad─ it is documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This will enable you to someday spend an additional 5 months drooling in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

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An exciting new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising health benefits. Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report. Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman for the study group. "Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

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For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.

Thos. Pinney