Cold Hard JOW

Well, winter, such as it is in south Texas, has arrived. We actually had water in some of our bird baths get a bit of ice. Of course the local media made it seem like the apocalypse: “Extreme weather will be in our area tonight that could kill you – watch at 10 PM to find out if your life is in danger.” That is to say it will be cold enough that if you go outside in tee shirt and shorts you might be uncomfortable. Okay, it was sort of cold. It seems like we get an awful lot of cold fronts down from Canada. Can't we weatherstrip the border or something?


A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and gusty cool air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem to get back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice. Suddenly the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good at this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the rocks. This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail stones but ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar violently and break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at this point he then orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane.
The bartender after this request looks up at the guy perplexed and says, “Sorry fella, we have no Hurricanes in Kansas”.

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”
“What do I think?” his mother said. “Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”

Years ago, people in the Texas panhandle got tired of leaning into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Amarillo to stop it. The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Texas; the idea being, to stop that cold wind. It might’ve worked, too. The barbed wire they used was strong enough; but the real problem was that a couple farmers kept leaving their gates open.
And the weather can change rapidly in the Texas Panhandle. I heard a story that an old farmer was plowing his field with a team of two mules. It was so hot that one of the mules died of heat exhaustion. Before the farmer could get the dead animal out of the traces a blue norther came down and froze the other mule to death. Of course, some Texas do tend to exaggerate.

Martha sent me this one. It is too good not to pass along.

Bill & Rosie were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. Bill gets up and goes to the door where Ed is standing in the pouring rain, drunk as a hoot owl.
“Give me a push,” he slurs.
"Not a chance," says Bill, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked Rosie
"Just Eddie drunk as usual asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" Besides he just lives across the street for crying out loud!
"Well, you have a short memory," says Rosie. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.”
Always the good neighbor and husband, Bill does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hey Eddie, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" asks Bill.
"Yes, please!" comes the drunken reply from the dark.
"Where are hell are you?" asks Bill?
"Over here on the swing set," replied Eddie.

Finally, some cold concepts:

It's so cold that Shania Twain covered her midriff.
It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.
It was so cold that I saw a dog stuck to a telephone pole.
It was so cold that Apple introduced something called the iScarf
It was so cold the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
It was so cold lawyers were sticking their hands in their own pockets!
It was so cold I chipped a tooth on my soup.
It was so cold there's no need to lock the back door because it's frozen shut.