Doctored JOW

I had to go to the doctor’s this week for a checkup. I suppose that is a function of getting older – a new car doesn’t need to go to the mechanic as often as a well used one. The visit got me thinking about physicians and health care which is a rich source of humor. Enjoy

A wealthy hedge fund manager suffered from a serious heart condition. Finally he decided to visit an old friend who had been practicing medicine at a charity clinic. The doctor quickly determined his rich friend had a potentially fatal condition but that it could be easily treated with medication.
Taking the prescription, the rich man shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have included a generous donation to your clinic in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

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A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.
He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

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Joe had been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed; it had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. He visited a psychologist for years trying to find some relief but to no avail. Finally he stopped going to his old therapist. A few weeks later, he saw his former psychoanalyst client in the supermarket; The therapist was surprised to find Joe looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.
“Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”
“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says. “you seem to be doing much better. How?”
“I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE session!”
“One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
“Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.”
“A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he cure you in one session?”
“Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”

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The arrogant doctor and his girlfriend got into a big argument at breakfast. "And you’re no good in bed either!" he finally shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned her. After many rings, she picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

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A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested.
"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy hospital gown.
"That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."
"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

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Doctors have a Hippocratic Oath that outlines their expected behavior. These days HMOs have come up with a corresponding
Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to have the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.