Party JOW

“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account." Oscar Wilde
Many of us make resolutions this time of year. I understand that too often these good intentions fail because we set unrealistically high goals for ourselves. I think I will resolve to take up smoking and spending more money this year. Those goals seem achievable.
While I strive to meet them here are a few jokes to start off 2011 with a general party theme.

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Jane was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond bracelet for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight , as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jane and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

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A Senator was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
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A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

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A sweet young thing was seen on the arm of a very wealthy and much older man at a New Year’s party.
“What does she see in him?” asked a woman’s date.
“Easy,” the woman knowingly replied, “a hundred million dollars and high cholesterol.”

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Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money
because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it
on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local
hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of
the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going
to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."

And finally a few worthless but amusing ‘facts’:

• The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. – It is something writers constantly suffer from
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. – See what being married to a Toxicologist does for you?
• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. – And if she is also of rural antecedents you find out about other ways to die.
• The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. – Geographical wordsmithing.