Wedding Bells JOW

In honor of the impending royal wedding, I am tapping a rich vein of the battle of the sexes – specifically wedding jokes.

Dick forwarded some quips on marriage from the London Telegraph…
Wedding Toasts:
• “Ladies and gentleman, if I could just say a few words… I’d be a better public speaker.”
• “As Henry the Eighth once said to one of his wives, I won’t keep you long.”
• “I hope everyone is enjoying this very special day so far. It’s been an emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.”
• “Before I start, I’d like to say that, as usual, [insert bride’s name] looks like one in a million – unlike [insert groom’s name], who look like he’s been won in a raffle.”
• “I am not going to speak for long because of my throat. [Insert bride’s name] said she would cut it if I said too much.”
• “When [insert groom’s name] asked me to be his best man, I had no hesitation in accepting. We’ve been through a lot together… and it’s nice to see so many of them here today.”
• “They say relationships are built on trust and understanding. Well, she doesn’t trust him and he doesn’t understand her.”
• “Would the bride and groom now turn and face each other, look deep into each other’s eyes… you are now staring at the person who is statistically most likely to murder you.”


And some marriage observations:
• “A man is not complete until he is married, then he is finished.”
• “I always cry at weddings, especially my own.”
• “Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.” Anonymous
• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner
• “Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.” Bob Monkhouse
• “Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” Marilyn Monroe
• “Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.” Michel de Montaigne
• “After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.” Mark Twain
• “There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day, knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.” Ronald Reagan. Of course Ronald was referring to his pet dogs.
• “Marriage is a wonderful institution – but who wants to live in an institution?” Groucho Marx
• Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
• Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
• There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced
• It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, and 2 - Fractions.

……………………………………..
The pastor noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The old pastor told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down; secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive; finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words. . . Aisle, alter, hymn (I'll alter him!)

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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."

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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"