JOW of Letters

Bil and Dick baled me out this week by passing some good fodder for the JOW hopper. They all have something to do ‘sort of’ with letters. I hope you enjoy them.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Short letters:

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Justin Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2011,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1981

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead now.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
Seal Team Six

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Bad Dancers,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because we ran out of good stones to chisel.
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b*tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Human Man,
That thing is cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

============
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters 'L I C Z W I X K.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat & a Swiss man go to a pub......
The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in here without a Thai. "

…………………………….
Dick also sent me this one I remember from our time in Florida. Mosquitoes are big there - I once dreamed of a loud buzzing sound; when I woke up I was in the top of a pine tree with two mosquitoes.
One of the mosquitoes turns to the other and says "Should we eat him here or take him home to eat him later?
The other mosquito says in response "We better eat him here or the big ones will take him away from us


And finally a warning from Martha:

Shampoo alert!
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."