Barely Legal JOW

My youngest child just found out she passed the California Bar Exam, thus ending a long journey that qualified her to practice law in that state. There are those who might say that California doesn’t exactly need more lawyers. It has been estimated that at the current rate of increase in lawyers by the year 2025 there will be more lawyers in California than humans. Most people have the same fondness for lawyers that sheep have for coyotes. Of course in reality it is not that bad; after all 98% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Still, when a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer and we pay him millions.

There is a rich tradition of lawyer jokes, and I have certainly used many of them in previous JOWs. Here are some relatively new ones.
============================

You Might Be A Lawyer If....
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long
Your syntax is a combination of the most unintelligible elements of James Joyce, Geoffrey Chaucer, and Dr. Suess
++++++++++++++++++++++

Some lawyer quizzes:

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
________________________
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?
-----------------------------------

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
• Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
• When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
• Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
• Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
• A prison guard is shaving your head.

++++++++++++++++++

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"You’re right. It's mine."
______________________

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
--------------------------------------------

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God’s work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "You protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut
------------------------------------------------

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And God created lawyers.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."