Take it to the Bank JOW

I managed to refinance our home mortgage this week. I mentioned it to a friend who suggested banks and loans and such as a topic for my JOW. “Naw, banking is boring.” Then I got to thinking about some of the loans approved a few years back. Apparently some loan officers do have a sense of humor. In fact, there must be something funny going on because the men and women who stole tens of billions of dollars are laughing all the way from the bank. Of course they had expenses to meet – the cost of campaign contributions being what they are. Just remember, if you give businessman money to influence a decision it is ‘bribery’; if you give a politician money to influence their decisions it is a ‘campaign contribution.’

First, one of my long time favorite jokes about vice presidents:

Roger was very excited about being promoted to Vice President at the bank. He just couldn't quit bragging about it. Finally, his wife couldn't take it any longer. She said, "You're so full of yourself! Vice president is no big deal. They even have a vice president of prunes at the grocery store."
"That is not so!" said Roger. To prove it, he dialed the grocery store's number. When the operator answered, he asked, "May I speak to the Vice president of prunes?"
"Sure, Canned or Dried?” replied the operator.

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The bank's training director sent a memo out to all staff members that said "In next month's training session, I plan to address ethics. To help you prepare for the session, please be sure to read Subsection 215(e) of Title 18 (United States Code). Title 18 is where the Bank Bribery Act is located."
The next month, as the training director began the training session, she asked for a show of hands of all those who had read 18 USC Section 215(e). Every hand went up.
She smiled, then said, "Section 215 only has four subsections - a through d. There is no 215(e) in Title 18. Now, let's talk about ethics."

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Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Here are a few financial quotes:

• Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
--Josh Billings
• If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.
--Benjamin Franklin
• The best way to keep money in perspective is to have some.
--Louis Rukeyser
• Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
--Spike Milligan
• "I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
-- Paula Poundstone
• "[N]o matter how much the boss likes you, if you work in a bank you can't bring home samples.
-- Eddie Cantor
• "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
-- Johnny Carson
• "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
-- Groucho Marx
• Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
--Bill Vaughan
• Last month I blew five thousand dollars at a reincarnation seminar. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once.
--Ronnie Shakes


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The local bank initiated a very strict Know Your Customer policy, collecting detailed information about each customer in order to verify identity.
One day Lisa, who was five feet, two and “pleasingly plump” came in to open a new account. She filled out her new account application and handed it back to the customer service rep. She noted that Lisa had indicated on the form that she was Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds,
The customer rep pondered the information for a minute before leaning over and gently saying, "Lisa, this is not the Internet."

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A supervisor overheard a teller saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any more."
Alarmed by what was being said, the supervisor rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago."
Then the supervisor drew the teller aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked if we had any?"
"Counterfeit bills. Our ATM gave her one the other day and she was very worried about it."