Chuck Norris JOW

I have finally broken down; I am going to do some Chuck Norris jokes. In some parts of the country they are as common as “Yo Mama” or ‘blonde’ jokes. It is hard to believe that a martial arts “actor” famed for his signature round house kick is the subject of so many jokes. Actually, in real life Chuck has the reputation of being a decent, good-natured guy. His acting persona, however has him being anything but that. Here are some of the examples:

• Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Not once.
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris had a staring contest with a mirror. He won.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Chuck Norris once said, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
• Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
• Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again.
• Chuck Norris made Ellen DeGeneres straight.
• Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
• Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
• Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
• Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
• If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
• Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
• Evil aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
• People still wonder about the mysterious death of Bruce Lee. It’s simple; nobody beats up Chuck Norris and lives.
• Chuck Norris has a bearskin rug in his living room. The bear is not dead, it is just too afraid to move.

Famous quotes about the French:

• "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. Of course, France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
• "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
• "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

And finally an actual joke from the Bali man

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I don’t play golf!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, and golf."


Tom