High Altitude JOW

I am spending some time in the mountains of Colorado this week, so my Joke of the Week has fewer sweat stains on it. I am in Estes Park, about a mile from the entrance to Rocky Mountain National Park, up around 8,000 feet; I am learning to appreciate the simple things – like breathing. Colorado is an unusual state. They think that ‘high humidity’ is anything over 25%.
My JOW this week deals in high altitude and wilderness humor followed by some new versions of that high altitude aesthetic, the Dalai Lama.
Famous last words in mountain climbing

• I'm sure this way is the right way
• I'm okay-It's just a little headache
• No reason to belay up with the ropes. I know where every crevasse is
• I am sure the rope reaches all the way to the bottom
• Lets go for the top, we'll get back before it gets dark.
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A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.
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In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said," her phone battery died."
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These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
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Finally, while the Dalai Lama is one of the greatest in the line of Tibetan Dalai Lamas, there is a whole other school of lesser, and perhaps slightly less illuminating, lamas little known to the West. This list comes from a contest sponsored by the web magazine Hundred Mountain: a Journal of the Spirit and the Arts at www.hundredmountain.com
(Buddy) Holly LAMAS: This little known offshoot of the Dalai Lama is a small band --- literally --- of wandering musician/monks who practice the Lama Rama Dhamma. The group is easily recognized by their horned-rimmed glasses, penny loafers and giant orange hats. They spread the dharma at bars and small concerts of fellow seekers. With electrified thumb cymbals they blend rock and roll with traditional Tibetan music to sold-out crowds. Their current world tour features their new hit single, "Peggy Sutra."
DILLY DALY LAMA: This Australian master is the 12th reincarnation of the Bodhisattva of Procrastination. He lives at an undisclosed location in the Australian Outback. To become a student of his, one must undergo the trial of Beating Around the Bush, wherein the potential disciple wanders throughout the Outback trying to get to The Pointe, the Dilly Dally Lama's temple and home. Few people ever make it to The Pointe, and those who do have missed the point of the teaching which, needless to say, is very indirect and unspecific.
JOLLY LAMA: An attempt to blend Tibetan Buddhism with the Santa Claus tradition so as to appeal to more Westerners. He and his monks were easily recognized by their red robes with white trim.
BALI LAMA: While many great Tibetan teachers settled in India or came West, this one went to the sunny island of Bali, where he could usually be found making sand mandalas under a beach umbrella, sipping iced butter tea.
POLLY LAMA: This colorful Lama hails from the jungles of Central America. He meditates by repeating phrases spoken to him and eschews the saffron robes for brighter colors. He lives an ascetic life, eating little, and showing a decided preference for crackers.
DOLLY LAMA: Seeking enlightenment through country music and meditating on the cosmic significance of water slides in her natural habitat in the Great Smoky Mountains, this robust-breasted soul comfortably seats two.
WALLY LAMA: Lives a monastic lifestyle in community with such like-minded devotees as the Lumpy Lama, the Eddie Lama, the Beav, Ward and June lamas.
RAMEN LAMA: Formerly a Zen monk, this lama can be found at food stalls on train stations in Tokyo, slurping down noodles and giving blessings to passing commuters.
LLAMA LAMA: He set up a site in the Andes and seeks solace via raising pack animals to ease the burdens of the native people. (Peter Arroyo)
THE DALI LAMA: Founded a practice that encourages followers to realize their surreal self. Most noted for his feat of melting clocks while meditating on the nonexistence of time. When practitioners reach enlightenment they instantly sprout a thin, smile-shaped mustache and have a blissful wild-eyed stare. The high teachers of this sect, however, are not what they appear to be.
COLLIE LAMA: Living in the mountains north of Los Angeles, this compassionate canine teaches humans worldwide about unconditional love and kindness. Better known to the western world as Lassie, generations have learned about devotion and loyalty.
THE DELI LAMA: He'll make you one with everything. Famous for saying "Let's do lunch."


Tom