Happy Halloween JOW

Halloween is tonight so I thought to give my JOW sufferers their jokes early. I hope you enjoy your Halloween as well as these little holiday-related jokes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker."
---------------------------------
Headline: "Due to strike, grave-digging at cemetery will be done by skeleton crews"
………………
You know you are really too old to trick or treat when:

• You ask for high fiber candy.
• People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
• When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
• By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
• You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
• You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Some Halloween definitions and riddles:

• Bloodshed - where the Red Cross keeps the plasma
• Cemetery - bone zone.

• Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
• Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
• Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
• Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?
A: You can see right through him.
• Q: What has a black hat, flies on a broomstick, and can't see anything?
A: A blind witch

###############

The professor was removing organs from the deceased before his students, all the while saying, ". . . and this is the heart, and this is the liver, and this is the kidney, and this is . . ."
"What the heck is the professor doing?" asked a student.
"Shh! He's giving an organ recital."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two costume jokes:

A friend asked if he could borrow his geek-friend’s Darth Vader mask. On Halloween night, the friend came by to pick it up. The geek was surprised that his friend was dressed in his usual attire of jeans and a flannel shirt, with the addition of a black cowboy hat.
"Where's your costume?" he asked.
"This is it, plus your mask," his friend replied.
"Well, what are you supposed to be?"
"Darth Brooks."
====================

A guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What on earth are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"

--------------------------------
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"They misspelled my name,” the old man grumbled, “and I had to come back to correct it!"

**********************************
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a tiny vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car before I get my ruler out!"

……………………………………………
And one last groaner

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."
The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP.
He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... right on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of extra strength cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly
"The coffin stops."


Tom