Sporting JOW

It is that wonderful time of year for sports: baseball has the World Series, football is well into its season, and basketball is involved in a contentious labor dispute, (although I do not understand how they can call it ‘labor’). It just goes to show you that no matter how much money is involved it is never enough for some people.
Here are some sports-related jokes for your amusement:

Some pity quotes I found on a wide variety of sports:

You can sum up this sport in two words: 'You never know.'
~ Lou Duva
Cricket is baseball on valium.
~ Robin Williams
We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. I just can't figure out where else to play!
~ Pat Williams
When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had just one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
~ George Raveling
And Farmer has now scored 19 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.
~ Garry Lyon
Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.
~ Yogi Berra
He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is - nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.
~ Eddie Shaw,
He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it - you can see it all over their faces.
~ Ron Atkinson
Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match.
~ Ian Wright
I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
~ Robin Williams
Men know, deep in their souls, that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without even considering if there were men on base.
~ Dave Barry

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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

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Casey Stengel was the master of great baseball quotes:
• Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
• If you hit a home run, you can take your time running the bases.
• The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.

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One evening an old baseball catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. The catcher dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

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Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"
"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."
"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"
Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

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The other day was Take Your Daughter to Work day. The Cubs had a fun time, and played a little scrimmage against their daughters. Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.
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After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.

Finally, one of my favorite jokes – it is better told than read but is still pretty funny

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, she can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks her, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious; he kicks the man and his dog out of the place.
As soon as they're on the street, the dog looks up at the man and plaintively asks him, "Was it DiMaggio?"


Tom