California Dreaming JOW

I am in California this week helping facilitate a project; since I am otherwise occupied this will be a terse JOW. Being in California has me thinking about that great state – California has it all: earthquakes, fires, mudslides, blizzards, riots, Initiatives, hey – think of a disaster and California has ‘em and probably better than anyone else. With that in mind here are my California Dreaming jokes.

When you live in Southern California things are a bit different:

• You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
• It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
• Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
• You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
• You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
• The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
• Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
• It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "THE STORM!"
• A family of four owns six vehicles.
• Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.

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Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.
or
B. None. Californians might screw in hot tubs but never in light bulbs.

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Los Angeles police say a missing 84-year-old Canoga Park, California man with Alzheimer’s has been found in Nevada.
While doctors say that while it’s always dangerous for an Alzheimer’s patient to wander off, they’re somewhat encouraged that the man still had enough wherewithal to try and get the hell out of California.

…………………………………..
Occupy” protesters in Oakland clashed with police, set fires, and shattered windows. After their release from jail, several of the protesters are expected to be signed by the Raiders.


The San Francisco 49er’s are likely to go to the Super Bowl this year, so here are a couple of 49er jokes. Actually they were funnier when they were losing.

Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez's husband has become a minority owner in the Miami Dolphins. This move was apparently done to increase ticket sales to Miami's Hispanic population. In a elated move, the San Francisco 49ers sold a piece of the team to Clay Aiken

Police have detained a suspect in the shooting outside "Candlestick" Park... His name: Colonel Mustard..


Newspapers of America & Demographics

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time, and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheists who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy - provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

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Finally a couple of “numbers” jokes

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

And from Bill, a joke that really has to be read to be appreciated.

There are only lO types of people in the world; those that believe in binary numbers and those that don’t.


Tom