Hard Driving JOW

I now have to battle traffic for a lengthy commute to work; that got me thinking about automobiles and driving in general. Here some jokes generally associated with motor vehicles and their operation. I start with one just for Cpt. Woody who loathes the very concept of traffic cameras.

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A grumpy old lawyer was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

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As a tribute to the Super Bowl Halftime show:

1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."

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"Hey, I am going pretty fast," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

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A Canadian driving around in Arkansas stopped to ask directions to his hotel.
The man he asked replied “Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop ‘n Go.”
He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again.
That man replied, “Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop ‘n Go”
He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions again the answer was exactly the same. This time he asked, “Could you describe the Stop ‘n Go for me?”
The man gave him a funny look and said “It’s on a pole. It’s got a red light on the top, a green light on the bottom....”
………………….

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?” asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, and work habits all in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he finishes writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A**Hole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks the Officer, "Is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH, underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer"?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: Aggressive and Hostile"?
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Attorney: "Officer... Are you sure it doesn't stand for A**hole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do.”

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Finally, the following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people, I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “Hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.