Dead Funny JOW

Over the years I have done my JOW on a very wide number of topics. Some are easier than others. This one, as you might have noticed from the title is about shuffling off this mortal coil, transferring to another phase, kicking the bucket, buying the farm, or otherwise leaving this mortal world. There are lots of heaven and hell jokes, and a surprising number of humorous bits about passing away. Here is a small sample:

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Things you do not want to see in your obituary:

“She leaves behind a brother and 27 cats.”
“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 4 million times on YouTube.”
“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”
“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”
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A couple was making their funeral arrangements; the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
The old man wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

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A mortician, named Dale Russon tells what happened to him on his way to one funeral:
‘When I pulled up to a curb, my rear wheel dropped off the edge of the road and into a drain, causing the car to become stuck. Since I was already late, I rushed over to the trunk, got out my jack and started to raise the car out of the drain. At the motion of the jack, the trunk lid snapped down, catching me square on the head. At that point I decided I'd better call the funeral home and have them start the services without me. Blood was running down my face, dripping on my suit, and I was going to have to change my clothes. I stepped into the nearest building and asked the receptionist to call the Russon Brothers Mortuary for me.
She looked at me and said, "Buddy, you're hurt, but you aren't hurt that bad."’

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An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “
‘Here, boy,’

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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”

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A priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed. It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service. As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied unhelpfully.

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A MUSICIAN had given orders that when he died, his flute was to be buried with him. "What did you think, madam:" a friend asked the widow.
"Well," she replied, "I thought it a blessing he didn't play the piano."

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One evening a man and his wife were talking about their last wishes. When asked what funeral arrangements he would like. He told me his wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered over Catalina Island.
"Why Catalina?" she asked.
"Why? Because I've never been there before."


Let me end this JOW with some non-mortality type jokes

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

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A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
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The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”


Tom