Paraprosdokian JOW

My sister knows I love word play, so she sent me some paraprosdokians, which are "a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Since they are kind of nerdy I also included a couple of groaners just to balance things out.
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• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall
of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to sky dive again.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Here are a few paraprosdokians used in quotations.

"If all the girls who attended the prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." —Dorothy Parker
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg
I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." —Bill Hick
"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." —P. G. Wodehouse
"If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson
"If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert
"There but for the grace of God — goes God." —Winston Churchill
"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." — supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee

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A reporter for an English tabloid paper despised his city's Building Department need to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house.
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
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Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the reception area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.
One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.
"Of course," the nun replied, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

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Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. "Friday, get help! Get help!"
"Yes!" Friday replied, "Get help now!" Not knowing what else to do, he went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced and prayed that God would send help to his master.
Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing angel at the foot of his bed.
"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.
His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"


Tom