Good Old JOW

I have a few more or less standard topics that are always good for a JOW. Last week I used dogs – pets are always good for a chuckle. This week I am using older people as a basis for my humor. After all I personally know several people who are eligible for social security and several more (one of whom is named Dick) who will soon hit that magic age 62 where you can live on the generous government dole and will no longer have to work. ;^)
We all know that social security has a problem with so many of us living to be so old so in order to prevent social security from going broke the government they now advocating that all Americans forsake wimpy things like flu shots and start living large – they want us go out early in a blaze of glory. Face it, more deaths of old people will mean a lower tax burden for the living. To encourage this, Social Security checks will soon be provided as vouchers for liquor stores, and tobacco products or certificates for hang gliding, bungee jumping, tattoo parlors, and non-Harley Davidson motorcycles.
As a new government advertisement puts it: “Would you rather die old, broke, and forgotten, or die a legend with a body you would not be ashamed to show in an open casket.”
I, for one prefer that plan to that of the previous administration that just sat back and waited for an influenza epidemic to take care of the surplus old folks.
At any rate, here are some Good Old Jokes.

Martha is a good source of ‘old jokes’ Here are some of hers:

When I woke up this morning I lifted my arms.
They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I moved my knees. They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I turned my neck. It went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
Conclusion: I am not old, I'm crispy

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(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
• Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's kids.
• A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
• Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
• When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
• They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
• They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
• Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
• They wear glasses and funny underwear.
• They can take their teeth and gums out.
• They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
• When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over and over again.
• Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
• They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
• It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame
their dog.
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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,'
She replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

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The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked,
"Which one should have this present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything Mom asks?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The young granddaughter called to wish her Granddaddy Happy Birthday. She asked him how old he was, and he told her he was 62.
The little girl was quiet for a moment, and then she asked, "Did you start at 1?