Post St. Patrick JOW

Captain Tom (not me, the other one) sends me a lot of jokes and humorous anecdotes. Perhaps in remembrance of St Patrick’s Day he recently forwarded several wonderful bits of Irish humor, a few of which do not include alcohol or violence (which makes them nearly unique). So here are a few Post St Patrick Day Jokes this Week.

I will start with one of my favorite jokes, better told while drinking but funny enough to read.

An Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits beside him.
He says ‘how you do’ and hearing the lilt in his voice the first man says ‘You be Irish?’
‘Sure and I am.’
The first man yells ‘Barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here; he's from the mother country as well.’
The second man asks- ‘So where in the old country ye from’?
‘Dublin’ responds the first.
‘Dublin you say - so am I’ and the second man hollers ‘barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish whiskey for me and my friend here.’
After they share a drink the first man asks ‘from where in Dublin’ and the second man responds with the street and the first man says ‘well I'll be - so am I’ and yells barkeep ‘a pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.’
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks – ‘how is business’.
The barkeep responds – ‘Not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.’

=====================

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to Heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

………………………….

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Has the house have all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...it’s is too good to part with."

##################

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


Irish humor often has a fondness for ridiculous logic.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?"
Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter.

----------------------

A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
"About 2 hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time
between New Year's to Christmas!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And where would Irish humor be without a few pokes at religion? They would be about as humorous as the Germans, that’s where.

Father Murphy walks into a pub and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man says, "I do, Father."
The priest says, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then he asks a second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replies.
"Then stand over there against the wall," the priest says.
Then he walks up to O'Toole and asks, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole says, "No, I don't, Father."
The priest says, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole says, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," the priest says.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" Gallagher asked. "They say I died!"
"Yes, I saw it!" Finney replied. "Where are ye callin' from?"