Regional JOW

Springtime is my favorite time in Texas; the weather is pleasant, trees are sending out green shoots, wildflowers begin their slow fireworks displays and the initial vanguards of robins begin passing through on their way north. But spring is not an especially funny season, so I have just have a few regional jokes passed on to me by others.

This bit of irony is from Charles
The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because they may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
----------------------
Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” he tells the preacher.
The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and prays. When he’s done, he asks, “How’s your hearing now?”
“I don’t know,” says Sam. “I don’t go to court till next Tuesday.”

**********************
Judge to defendant: “Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?”
Defendant: “No, Your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar.”

+++++++++++++++++++
The other Captain Tom provided these insights into these southern United States

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they yelled.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry."

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying.. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back."

Tennessee
A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into
the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," the guy replied, "That's why I'm dumpin' it here.. 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."


Tom