'Genderal' Observations

Dan and Tom provided a lot of material for me to share this week, mostly in the form of pity observations. Again this week they tend to be about the ‘Gender Wars’. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

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-My sex life if like a Ferrari… I don’t have a Ferrari.

-Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he will fix it.
There is no need to remind him about it every six months.

-I once won an argument with a woman…. In this dream I had.

-NASA has photographs from no fewer than five Martian landers. None of these pictures show any sports, porn, or beer on Mars. This makes it very clear that men are NOT from Mars.

-Men have feelings, too. For example we often feel hungry.

-What’s the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

-I am not sure I would want to be able to read a woman’s mind. I hate shopping, don’t care about shoes, don’t like gossip, and I already know I annoy her.

-Even if a man could understand women, he still wouldn’t believe it.

-Why is a launderette a bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

-He took his misfortune like a man; he blamed it on a woman.

-Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.

And some quotes with attributions

Do you know ‘that look’ women get when they want to have sex? Me, neither. – Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you do not have a good partner you’d better have a good hand.” - Wood Allen.

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” - Billy Crystal

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one of them at a time.” – Robin Williams

Things you'll never hear a woman say:
• Here honey, you use the remote.
• While I'm up, can I get you anything?
• Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
• Aw, forget Monday night football, let's watch American Idol.
• Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
• We never talk anymore.

Things you'll never hear a woman say:
• What do you mean today's our anniversary?
• Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
• Oh, this diamond is way too big!
• Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
• Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
• Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
• I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way too much for a designer dress.
• Hey, pull my finger!
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The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"No!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

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Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift for her birthday.
"How about showing me some perfume for my wife?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.