Automotive JOW #629

I have been doing a fair amount of driving lately – I drove the 365 miles down and back to Edinburg last weekend to visit Ruthie so driving is on my mind.  Watching other drivers makes me wonder if we need to add a couple of additional elements to the driver’s license test.  Shouldn’t there be an element of driving while putting on makeup?  Or making a turn with a hamburger in one hand and a soda in the other?  Forget about cell phones or texting, what about people who watch movies while driving - or read? 

Additionally, there are some really ‘experienced’ automobiles out there, especially in deep south Texas; you wonder how they even keep going.  Of course, I know a young man, let’s just call him “Richie”, who is “automotively challenged”.  His car is so old, that the fenders aren't dented - they're wrinkled.  He hardly ever fills up the tank; he is not sure the car will last long enough to use a full tank of gas.  On the upside it doubles in value when he does fill it up.  He recently bumped into a pole and cracked a tail light cover.  The insurance offered to total the car.  Of course all he would have gotten was some pocket change so he decided to keep driving it.  The car does have an effective anti-theft device: pride.

I will start this week’s JOW with some safe driver analysis from a friend of mine.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough to make him hang his arm out his window and 'flip the woman off'.
     "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
     I **always** smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day, and of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
     Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an eight-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
     Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number cars that I pass every day to something like 36,000.
     Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% of women describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
     According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
     That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
     Flip one off? ..... I think not!

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A man is standing in front of the judge after trying to get out of his speeding ticket. The judge finds him guilty, fines him $150 and hands him a receipt.
The motorist, a bit upset by now, sarcastically asks "What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?"
"No," replied the judge. "Keep it. Two more and you can get a bicycle."

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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big rig over three motorcycles."

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A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.'
'Yeah, well, I'm color blind,' said the motorist.
'And you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer.

'I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile.
At that point, his wife leaned forward and said, 'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.'

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A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

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There was once a small snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he heard that an uncle of his had died and left him some money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a car, souped it up, and then painted a large red "S" on it. When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big red "S" on the car?

Simple, the snail replied when people see my car go zooming down the, track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!

And one final sort of semi-related joke:

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir; with my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do."
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

Tom