Highly Debatable JOW #631

There is a debate between the presidential contenders this evening.  I have no intention of watching.  I will wait to let all the pundits tell me which candidate ‘won’.   From all I have heard so far it seems Romney is a rich elitist who wants to shift the tax burden to the backs of the middle class and abandon 47% of the population to further enrich the entitled 1%, while Obama is nothing but a socialist whose policies will destroy the economy if not the United States as we know it.  No wonder politicians have such a low approval ratings: all we hear is negative ads and we believe them.  Both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to over-hype their candidates for the big debate. They’re asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited about the debate.

Or as voters put it, ‘We’re way ahead of you; way ahead of you, buddy.’”

It could be worse; you could be in Colorado. There will be 17 presidential candidates listed on the Colorado ballot November 6, or 16 if you don’t count Randall Terry, who is eligible for write-in votes. This ties (or beats by 1) Colorado’s 2008 ballot.  Of note on the ballot is Roseanne Barr (yes, that Roseanne), running as the Peace and Freedom party’s candidate.

Isn’t American great? Virtually anyone can run for president — in Colorado anyway. The state has the dubious distinction, once again, of having the longest presidential ballot in the country.

Unlike 2008, there are no HeartQuake, U.S. Pacifist, America’s Independent, Prohibition, or Boston Tea candidates. The parties represented this year are:

ACN=American Constitution Party
AMP=America’s Party
ATP=American Third Position
DEM=Democratic Party
GRN=Green Party
IRE=Independent / Republican
JUS=Justice Party
LIB=Libertarian Party
OBJ=Objectivist Party
PAF=Peace and Freedom
REP=Republican Party
SEP=Socialist Equality Party
SLB=Socialism and Liberation
SPU=Socialist Party USA
SWP=Socialist Workers Party
UNA=Unaffiliated
WTP=We the People

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I thought to provide some humor about debating in general; after all I debated a bit in high school.  Unfortunately debating has become associated with the legal profession and so has fallen from favor.  There are few jokes about debating.  I remember our high school team used to make up topics for pretend debates.  Things like:

Who are more complicated – men or women?

Honest and poor or dishonest and rich – which is preferable?  (guess which the future lawyers picked)

Do nice girls finish last?

Do nursery rhymes have inner meanings?

Pirates or ninjas?

Daydreaming vs. Nightdreaming

Australian accent vs. British accent

……………………………

At any rate, I am falling back on the late night professionals.  Here are some samples recently gleaned from their monologs. 

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Conan O’Brien: “Not such a great debate last night, huh? What did you think? A lot of people were disappointed in President Obama’s performance last night. Last night critics say president Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. Did you notice that? Yeah. And today the President apologized and said at the next debate, ‘no more Angry Birds’.”

"Ron Paul announced he's running for president. And get this: he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. Now, I know he doesn't have much of a chance but if he does win that's going to be one hell of a victory party."

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Jay Leno: “Mitt Romney is going to Israel this Sunday. When asked if he will go to the West Bank, he said, ‘No, I keep my money in the Cayman Islands.’”

"A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side."

 “At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, ‘The middle class has been buried the past four years.’ They’re buried? I’m sorry, which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.”

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Jimmy Kimmel: “Donald Trump is being honored next month. The Sarasota Republican Party has announced plans to announce Donald Trump Statesman of the Year. If there’s one word to call Donald Trump, it would be statesman-like. And if there were four words it would be: Not at all statesman-like.”

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Jimmy Fallon: “You guys, here’s some election news. A new poll — CBS poll found that 47% of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46% support Obama. Well, it makes sense, ’cause if Romney wins, it’s definitely going to be thanks to the one percent.”

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David Letterman: “So now President Obama excuses for his poor debate performance. I called some folks at the White House and they said all right, here’s ten reasons Obama blew the last debate:”

10. “I haven’t slept an hour since 2008.”

9. “Romney’s hair is mesmerizing.”

8. “Didn’t want to wake Jim Lehrer.”

7. “I haven’t been the same since I quit smoking.”

6. “Honestly I though the debate was next week.”

5. “I live with my mother-in-law. What do you want from me?”

4. “Kept blanking on what percentage of the country Mitt’s written off.”

3. “Skipped rehearsal, just like Letterman.”

2. “Why don’t you ask bin Laden how I did?”

1. “It’s Bush’s fault.”

And in all fairness:

David Letterman: “Top Ten Questions On The Application To Become Mitt Romney’s Running Mate:

10. ‘Bank Account: Swiss or Cayman Islands?’

9. ‘Why would Mitt hire you instead of cheaper, foreign labor?’

8. ‘Ever shot a hunting buddy in the face?’

7. ‘Mind if Mitt’s dog rides in your car?’

6. ‘Are you willing to strongly support both sides of every issue?’

5. ‘What traffic sign best describes the way you make whoopee?’

4. ‘Do you promise not to vote for Obama?’

3. ‘What’s the name of your dancing horse?’

2. ‘Have you ever Anthony’d your Weiner?’

1. ‘Can Mitt borrow your tax returns?’”

Finally, a real debate joke

A doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the world's oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adam's rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.

The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos!

The programmer simply smiled and said:

"Where do you think the Chaos came from?"