Worn out JOW #635

I thought I would put out a Joke of the Week on exercise since I did not do much of it last week other than  jumping to conclusions, running off at the mouth, pushing my luck, flying off the handle, casting aspersions, and generally getting over the hill.  I understand the government has just completed a seventeen billion dollar program investigating just why our nation is so overweight.  It seems that in order to lose weight you need to diet and exercise.  Who would have thought it?

First, Tor has brought something to my attention –

Gay marriage and marijuana were both legalized in some states in the recent elections.  This is in accordance with the bible for does not Leviticus 20:13 say:

“A man who lays with another man should be stoned”?

(By the way, now that it is legal can’t you just imagine the commercials for weed?)

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Before I get into my theme I just had a thought:

Q: What happens if you play a country music song backwards?

A: You sober up, you get a job, and your girl comes back to you.

Dianne shared some of her exercise secrets with me:

·         Walking can add time to the end of your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

·         I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.  The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

·         I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

·         Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

·         And exercise makes me spill my coffee.

·         I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

·         The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

·         If you decide to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

·         We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

A man who had tried and failed in every known exercise program answered an ad for guaranteed weight loss through exercise. 

The pretty lady at the facility indicated that he would not have any fees if he did not lose weight after one of their sessions.  Intrigued the man signed up.  He instructed to wear only his shorts and tennis shoes and to report to an upstairs room.  He entered through a heavy door into a darkened space.  As he stood there uncertainly the door closed and locked behind him.  The lights suddenly came on and he found himself in a large room filled with stairs, ladders, ramps, and obstacles.  In the center of the room was a scantily-clad young nymph. 

“If you can catch me in the next hour, you can have me,” she said teasingly.  A bell rang and for the next hour he tried vainly to do just that.  Finally, after an hour of pursuit a bell rang and the door behind him opened. 

The young lovely popped out with a cheerful, “See you next week.”

The man trained hard for his exercise sessions and the pounds just melted off as he fruitlessly chased various fit young women.  As time when by he came closer and closer to catching one of the temptresses; additionally, his rate of weight loss decreased.

“Sir,” the receptionist told him as he arrived for one of his sessions, “in order to reach your desired goal weight we think it is time to provide you with increased motivation.  Would you like to try our enhanced program?”

Thinking this must be two even more lovely girls the man agreed.

As usual, he entered the darkened room and the door locked securely behind him.  When the lights came up he saw a large, ugly, bearded man in the middle of the room.

“If I can catch you I can have you,” the ugly man said getting up as a bell rang.

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I know that every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, not only do the ladies look just fine, so do I.

………

A retired man was asked what he going to do that day by his wife. 

‘Nothing’ he replied. 

“You did that yesterday.”

“I didn’t finish.”

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And to finish up with something from my Navy friend Don

Osama Bin Laden was living with three wives in one compound and never left the house for five years.

It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.