Old Luxurious JOW #639

My eldest son recently purchased an old luxury car; a big green Mercedes 280 SE sedan that is older than he is.  I call it the ‘Green Monster’.   It lacks many of the features we have come to expect in a luxury car: It does not have electric windows and locks – you have to crank them up and manipulate them by hand. It does not have remote entry, or trunk and gas cap releases, requiring you to actually open these things manually.  There is no onboard computer telling you your mileage, average speed, and distance until you run out of gas.  There is instead a speedometer, odometer, and gas gauge; you can figure out the rest in your head if you are so inclined. There is a radio, but no wifi, Bluetooth, or even a CD.  There is no rear camera, or automatic wipers, and if you want to turn the headlights on or off you have to turn the switch on the dashboard.  There is a key that you have to put into the ignition and twist instead of an elaborate remote pod.  (Of course a replacement key costs five dollars not $250).  If you want to parallel park the Green Monster, you had better learn how because it won’t do it for you.  It has no air bags; your safety consists of lots of good German steel wrapped around you. 

The Green Monster is an anachronism.  All it can do is get you from place to place, gliding gracefully along with panache and enduring style.  Perhaps that is the best any of us can expect as we add on the years.

            That is the reason for my theme this week: automobile related jokes and observations.

This year the automakers are offering the widest selection of cars we can't afford they've ever offered.  I just can't believe that an ‘economy’ car costs $17,000. That is more than some NBA players make an hour!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I knew a man who’s Porsche started going "Her-hick, her-hick, her-hick!" It took four mechanics to find out that's German for "Ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk!"  Of course, Mercedes mechanics are so rich they wear overalls with an alligator on the pocket.

****************

Jill's car was unreliable; she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."

+++++++++

One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver.

I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel."

"Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.
He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.
Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note:
"Removed bowling ball from trunk."

……………………………

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this crazy idea he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Eight to ten years."

=====================

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer, "I used to have a car like that."