Well Seasoned JOW #640

            In case you haven’t noticed, the Christmas season is upon us.  I kind of like it; well parts of it.  I enjoy the cooler weather, the festive lights, the bustling activity, the dinners and parties and exchanging simple small gifts with friends and family.  I do not like the heavy traffic, the incessant over-commercialization, and my own personal teeth-gnashing pet peeve: drivers who stop in parking lots lanes and wait for people who are walking to their car, packages in hand in expectation of taking the spot when they pull out.  Of course the people departing always take their own sweet time while the individual waiting blocks the traffic lane, all to get a parking spot a little closer to the stores.  

            We didn’t really go for a big tree for Christmas.  In fact we went to a cut-rate tree lot; the salesman's opening line was: "You're not a cop, are you?" Our tree looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers.  It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.  There are rabbis with a better Christmas tree than us.  But it does suffice.  Here are some seasonal jokes for your amusement.

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Bubba asked his girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas.

She smiled coyly and said, "I’d love it if you’d buy me a mink."  

Bubba thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."  

"What is that?" she asked. 

"You'll have to clean the cage," he replied.

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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

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Adam went shopping at the big store on Christmas Eve with his father.

When they got to the toy department, his Dad said, "What a marvelous train set. I'll buy it."

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and said, "That's great, your son will really love it."

"Maybe you're right. I better take two."

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When Alex was five, his Christmas presents were always signed, "from Santa Claus." A little while after Alex opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.  

"What's the matter, Alex?"  His parents asked.  

"Ummmm," replied Alex slowly, "I really hoped that you and Mommy would give me something for Christmas too."

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Tor reminded me that it is best to comfort a grammar Nazi by holding them and softly saying “Their”, “There”, “They’re”.

And both Tor and Dan sent me this one:

The maid asked for a pay increase from her haughty Beverly Hills employer, an oh so wealthy matron of the mansion.

The wife was very upset about this request and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband, he said so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?" 

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better than you in bed."

Wife, really boiling now, and through gritted teeth, "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did." 

Wife, with brittle brightness:  "So, how much do you want?"

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Finally, I seldom do this, but I found this link to be absolutely hilarious. 

Here is scientific proof that cats are superior to dogs.

http://videosift.com/video/Proof-That-Cats-Are-Better-Than-Dogs