Christmas Eve JOW #641

Merry Christmas to all of my JOW sufferers – I hope you all have a peaceful and joyous Christmas and that you all enjoy the holidays between Yule and New Years.    

I was very lucky this year in having JOW readers provide me with gifts of humor for this Christmas Eve JOW.   I have started with some seasonal humor first however. 

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Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize the chaos that would ensue if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Three holiday observations

·         No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

·         No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set unless it is broken.  In that case you can’t beat it.

·         Did you hear about the man who shoplifted a calendar?  He got twelve months.

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Three Christmas riddles-

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

What do you get if you cross an archer with a gift wrapper?

Ribbon Hood

What did the snowman and his wife hang over their baby’s crib?

A snow mobile

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offence", said the judge.
"It is if you do it before the shop opened", countered the prisoner.

John and Susan sent me an informative update on the status of the British Order of Occupational Bombers (BOOM) in Great Britain:

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
              The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% in December from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
               Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
                Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.
                  According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings may be attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

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Finally a list of attempts at employment:

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned; couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.