We may be getting old but some of us are still hanging in
there. Dick tells me that Arnold Schwarzenegger
will be making another Conan movie soon, ‘Conan the Octogenarian’. I
guess Chuck Norris will soon be need a ‘Texas Ranger walker’ (complete with
tennis balls on the legs and a holster on the side) to get around. Anyway here are this week’s jokes, most of
which have a ‘theme’.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Dog starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly
in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep dodo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Dog exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Dog nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Dog sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Dog says .......
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
The old Dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep dodo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Dog exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Dog nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Dog sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Dog says .......
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
____________________________________________
A highway patrolman pulled over a sweet little old lady.
“Why did you stop me, officer?”
“You were speeding ma’am.
May I see your license and registration?”
“Well, I don’t have any registration for this car. You see, I stole it.”
“What?”
“What?”
“Well, officer you don’t expect me to carry all these
drugs in my own car, do you?”
“Please step out of the car, and open the trunk.”
“Well, officer, if I open the trunk you will see the body
in there.”
The patrolman wastes no time in calling for backup and a
supervisor. When the senior officer
arrives he finds the little old lady in handcuffs. The trunk is open and empty and the drug dog
is looking in vain for anything illegal.
The supervisor takes the old lady aside and, uncuffing
her says, “Ma’am this car is registered in your name.”
“Why yes, this is my car.”
“The officer said you told him you were transporting
drugs.”
“Why I never!” she exclaimed eyes wide.
“And he also says that you told him there was a body in
the trunk of your car.”
She sidles up confidentially to the supervisor and
whispers, “I bet that big liar told you I was speeding, too."
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for
their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful
young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained
that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an
emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them. It turns out the statuesque blonde was an amazing
golfer, methodically shooting for par or less on every hole, meanwhile charming
the men with her sparkling personality.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some good Scotch into him, fix him dinner, and show him a good time.
"The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.
"The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.
"The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some good Scotch into him, fix him dinner, and show him a good time.
"The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.
"The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.
"The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
==========
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts and a pond fixed for swimming. One evening the old farmer
decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look
it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my
alligators."
Moral of these stories...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! And not only that, BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Richard provided me with this observation:
-Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
And from Don a slightly political insight: “the Fiscal Cliff” put in a much better perspective.
* U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000
Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:
* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts so far: $38.50
* U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000
Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:
* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts so far: $38.50
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