Happy New JOW #642

So we are now in the year 2013.  Ah, I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.  Frankly I am not sad to see the end of last year.  If 2012 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.  I am sure we will continue to have a lot of technical breakthroughs in 2013, though.  I just heard that perhaps there will be a soon new device that can turn your thoughts into speech. Actually we had that sort of thing for years; it’s called alcohol.

            Here is a blessing for all of you for the New Year:  God, grant you the ability forget the people you never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones that you do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

               

·         Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain

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A self-important businessman arranged an important formal dinner party at his home on New Year’s Eve and planned to serve his guests’ favorite food, steak, as the main course.

While the guests were eating their appetizers, the cook came to the host and whispered, “Please come urgently to the kitchen.”

The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he had stepped out for a moment the host’s dog had climbed up on the table and eaten a few chunks out of some steaks.

The host told him, “Just fill the holes with some meat and turn the other side up–nobody will notice.”

The steaks were served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again summoned to the kitchen. The cook, looking quite upset, told the host that the dog was dead.

The host frantically rushed back to the dinner party and apologized fervently before announcing, “Something was wrong with the steak and everyone must have their stomachs pumped immediately at the hospital.”

The guests all headed there, endured the painful procedure, and returned to the house. The host then went and asked the cook, “Where is the dog?

“Oh,” said the chef, “The dog is still down by the road where the car hit it.”

Tor says that once you get to a certain age you just don’t care as much:

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I looked all right I'd be talking to your cute friends over there instead of you."

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

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Tom Johnson passed on this from columnist and author Dave Berry, published a year in review in the Tampa Tribune, and I wanted to share his excerpt on the Benghazi disaster.

"Abroad, the big story is a deadly 9/11 attack on the U. S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya. It soon becomes apparent that the attack either was or was not a spontaneous protest to a movie that either does or does not actually exist, or possibly it was an organized terrorist attack that either did or did not involve al Qaeda and either could or could not have been prevented if there had been better intelligence, which maybe there was, or maybe there was not, although if there was, it was not acted on, possibly for political reasons. Or, not. But beyond these basic facts, little is clear. The White House issues a strong statement assuring the nation that President Obama was not in any way involved in this. or anything else that may or may not become known."  

"However, the real important news is that Kim Khardashian is with child......how sweeet. "

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And from the other Tom –

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

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And to close, some wisdom from Tor:

A man came to Buddha and said: “I want happiness.”

Buddha said, “First remove ‘I’ which is ego.  Then remove ‘want’ which is desire.  All you are left with is happiness.”

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